Sunday, February 21, 2016

10 Things Michael Bhatch has said that define our Friendship



1. In a bathroom at UWC- “ You know why your pee sounds louder ? Because my dick is closer to the water.
2. Do you think MC Hammer truly believed that nobody could “touch this”? It seems like a bold statement for someone effectively wearing a parachute to make.
3. Where did Marc Morrison return from ? His entire career is built on his return but its pretty sad if you think about it because nobody gave a shit that he was gone and we were only mildly interested in his return because it had a catchy tune.
4. Flu is for rich people.
5. “This shoe is just like Stan (Stan Bailey), [while lifting the shoe between thumb and index finger]. There’s just too much going on and it looks uncomfortable.”
6. On finding out Wendy was pregnant with their first child: “ I’m going to be the boss of someone! I am literally going to say I am the boss of you, as a response to anything I can’t justify” ( Hows that working out Mikey ?)
7. “You have a nice voice. If you could just chys kinnes over the phone you’d be sorted but that face fucks everything up.”
8. While looking at my student card: “ You look like a fat Luis Figo.”
9. “Listen I’m not here to solve your problems. Save that for your court appointed attorney”
10. Michael and I check our marks for an exam. He gets 5% more than me: “ I think this means I’m 5% better than you at life. You doing ok , but I’m just thaaaat much better.”

Monday, June 29, 2015

Coloured Dictionary- Entry 6: Kopel and A Lyn



The origins of these words are at the very root of a coloured’s DNA. We do not like to pay full price for anything when there is an unending network of resources to circumvent paying retail prices.

A lyn would refer to the actual resource whereas kopel would be the action needed to make the lyn an effective one. One would therefore kopel via a lyn. Although Kopel can also refer to getting something for someone in any form. Kopel an entjie, kopel some condoms, etc.. Having trouble understanding white people? Ok let’s look at the following scenario.

Gamat is in dire need of a new suit as his old one has seen better days and he dare not attend the ballet looking like “a kak thing”. He employs the help of his dear friend Fiekie who knows someone ,that knows someone, whose step sister’s boyfriend works at Hugo Boss.

Fieke will now kyk a liewe (seen in entry 2) and contact all applicable parties until he has effectively acted as the third party between Gamat and the Hugo boss employee (let’s call him Omar, wink wink). Gamat now receives a suit for a fraction of the cost and Omar makes his “kroon” as well.

So who gets credit for the Kopel then you ask? Fieke does of course, we NEVER give kopel credit to brasse we don’t know.

NB.
A lyn must not be confused with having lyn. Although t Having lyn means that you are respected and have the ability to get things done. You can have lyn when it comes to “chysing kinnes” but at the same time have no lyn when it comes to kopeling. Lyn can be achieved by various methods, some nice and some not. I don’t think you ready for that yet.
he two are not necessary mutually exclusive they do not always go hand in hand.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Coloured dictionary: Entry 5 – Getting on your bek




When one gets on their bek, they have received a whipping. This is also known as “Getting on your P…This could refer to the actual physical act or the mental one. Although the phrase is the same, the reactions are very different. When one physically gets on their bek it generally involves the warning first .e.g. “Stop your kak. You gonna get on your bek!” It is important to note that hitting someone in the bek is not a prerequisite for it to be deemed as getting on your bek, any physical violence will do. I personally advocate the bek though as evidence that you moered someone is a big part of the fight in the coloured community #Wisdom. 

The response to getting on your bek is to defend yourself and in the coloured community attack is always the best defense. If you do not do so you will be labelled a bang P@#S (Scaredy cat…. Nice how that almost has a direct translation hey). There are too many ways to get on your bek mentally so for the purpose of this study I will use only one case study. Bok and Idrees are playing FIFA 14. Idrees beats Bok 4-0 while playing with Burnley against Bok who was playing with Liverpool (Sounds legit). Bok has well and truly gotten on his bek. Idrees has no choice but to mock Bok to within an inch of his life. This is known has Rying (Riding). 

The bek getting event must also be made public which will lead to those not even involved in the event also adding their comments e.g. “How kak is Bok at this game. Thee worst. Thee worsteth”. For the next week Idrees is allowed to win any argument with “How that day I moered you 4-0 with Burnley man) and Bok will know that he has been defeated. There is no proper response for the victim of this fate; he/she must just ride the storm until it passes. Getting on your bek is never pleasant but is a necessary rite of passage for all men.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Diary of a Cape Town Commuter : Entry 1



The daily commute from home to one’s workplace is a reality for almost all of us. This journey often brings with it some entertaining stories, overheard scandals, the weirdest thoughts, and random acts of kindness, cruelty and hilarity seen through the window as you pass by your route and occasionally revelations from one’s own inner monologue. We’ve all told a story that started with something like, “you must see what happened on the bus today.” The mode of transportation you choose often becomes almost personified. The bus, train, taxi or car becomes a silent yet active participant in our lives. Often overlooked, but inextricably part of your routine.
I hope that the entries I share will lead to others sharing their experiences. So on we go. Nou ry is gou ry.


Overhead:

There are some people who get so comfortable in their commute that they forget they are sharing the space with complete strangers. This conversation was overhead in a taxi at 17:30pm.
Two women were talking about a friend who had said some terrible things to them both that weekend while intoxicated. From what I heard the list was as follows:
1       They were both accused of being:

1.   "piel diewe” (translation: penis thieves).

2.      Both were said to “think their kak don’t stink” (translation: conceited)

3.      And one was said to have a “ big bek” (translation: gossips)

So as these conceited penis thieves continued their rant about their friend they described her as:

1.      A bigger “piel dief:

2.      A moerse pil skieter (translation: liar)

3.      Permi gesuip (Translation: in a permanent state of inebriation)

4.      And all round “fokol werd” (translation: worth nothing)

My take on this conversation was split into two lines of thinking.
1.      Other people’s reactions to certain key words like “piel dief” revealed something about them. Some laughed and felt some affiliation to the women. Others looked away in disgust and other like me merely listened in amazement at their brazen disregard for the general rules that govern social interactions in public places. Although their language was vulgar I had to admire their confidence in being who they are at all times. Not all of us can say the same.
2.    
  The content of the conversation brought up some funny non-verbal indicators. When the big bek told her friend that she had been called that her body language indicated that she agreed with the drunkard that had laid her with the charge. But her verbal reaction to the information was to say “The fucken nerve!” showing solidarity with her travel mate. To admit that she agreed would not only bring up an obvious confrontation but mean’t that she might also have to admit that the other charges were true and therefore possibly true about her as well. Had the pil skieting, drunkard who was worth nothing brought to the fore some issues that they had not confronted about themselves? And is it always healthy to confront them? After thinking about this I realised that the women weren’t really being who they were but who they thought they were. Whether or not the accusations their friend had hit them with was true or not, the fear that it was had them verbally dodging the issue by laying their own set of accusations on the pil skieter.

Conclusion
When asked the question, “Who are you” one can answer with the simple I am Remo Andrews (well you not Remo, I am, but you know what I mean) but when asked, “Who is Remo Andrews” I’m not sure I have the full answer (Can I get back to you?)
That’s ok though. We don’t have to have the answers. The uncertainty is what makes us human. It’s in the knowing that we are uncertain that real wisdom must surely come from.
I know this was a little bit more serious that most of you expected lol. But this works on the basis on the journey. It therefore shapes the story and not the other way around. I’d like it to open a discussion on your thoughts regarding the above piece.  

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Mike and I: Part 3


Mike and I once came across two chaps having a conversation about a friend of theirs. “That bra loves toet” said one. I was so excited to hear this as I was also a huge fan so I exclaimed, “What a coincidence, I love Toet too!” The two gentleman shook my hand and said “salut bra, that’s the way ya,” Some other chaps that had heard me exclaim my love for Toet also expressed their appreciation.  On our way back home Mike and I were happy to have met some like minded fellows that were also fans of the classic trombone player Charles Toet. We agreed that people who lived in Belhar really loved their